being heard, Uncategorized

Don’t you just hate life every once in awhile?

Don’t you just hate life every once in awhile?

f3f9cf2bc841a2d4f88506103d3abb60There you are go plugging along in life, working hard and giving it your all. Trying to be the best person you can be, trying to do the right thing no matter what and then BAM! It happens! You get side swiped by a memory or a feeling you had, that you desperately want to forget or shove back down, wherever it was, that you didn’t think about it. Or really remember it exists…

That is what happened to me today..

For those who are reading my blog, I quit my full time, salary job at the beginning of this year. To pursue my life-time long goal and dream to have a career where I can help people, make a difference. I am going to school to be a nurse. Yes, this is will be my second degree and no, I am not crazy. Even though many people said I was when I quit my full time job.

My life went from the daily grind, 8 to 5, sitting in a cubicle, fighting traffic to and from work – to classes, tests, finals, GPA and most of all MUST MAKE A’s. Now, sometimes I do feel like I was crazy to leave my job and get back into this type of stress. But at the end of the day, my goal is the same and I sleep well knowing that my career will not only make me happy but help others.

Okay, so you are wondering why I hate life and the point of this post.. For the most part, my childhood was pretty happy. Great, loving Mom that raised me and even better sister. But a controlling, manipulative father that refuses to see any other way is correct or right, other than his own.

I can remember growing up and being scared when my parents would argue (now that I’m older I understand, that happens, its a part of being in a relationship with someone) – but I knew somehow, someway, that argument was about me. Or that argument would somehow reflect the ugly head of consequences on me. And it did, because I was the independent or the word I heard ALL the time “rebellious” child.

Now fast forward to modern day, there is me fully independent and rather stubborn adult. Wanting to have my family meet my boyfriends family, natural step right? We are talking about getting married so why not? Well, one snag. I live with my boyfriend. Absolutely hands down, the BEST decision we have ever made. I get it, its not for every couple but for us, it has only made us stronger and more dedicated to one another.

But you guessed it! My father, not accepting of this and therefore not accepting of meeting my boyfriend’s family. So why I hate life???

Immediately once I heard my father’s decision and opinion – I became that little girl, hiding in her room, listening to the arguments, knowing just knowing that I would pay for it. I felt claustrophobic in my own skin, like I was drowning with no way to swim to the top.

I guess the truly scary thing, is that I still felt that way. And in a way, there was still some kind of control over me and I hate that. Anyone else feel this way?



Sometimes I Wonder About My Life

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small – and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave?

So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. – Kathleen Kelly

Sometimes I wonder, do I love my life? Or am I just scared.

The beginning of this year I quit my full-time, salaried job and yes there was growth options too. But I hated my life, I dreaded work and that dread seeped into every other aspect of my life. Especially my relationships with family and friends.

Now, I’m on this new path – pursuing a new career where I know I will be happy. Looking back just months ago, I can see myself as I was, I was not me. I was a version of myself, a version I wasn’t proud of,  going through the motions believing that this is what I should do. Believing I couldn’t be anything else.

Do you love your life?

One day, if you haven’t already, you’ll wake up like I did. You’ll realize life is too short to do something you hate. Something that fills you with dread. My life, while it’s small – will mean something to me. I will go to work and come home knowing, I made a difference.

Will my life be easy, no. Have people told me I’m crazy, have they doubted me. Oh yes. But life isn’t what other people think. Do you wonder about your life?

Do you live your life? Or are you scared?

being heard


Do you ever feel like you aren’t heard? You speak and it’s lost on everyone.

What’s worse is when you normally don’t talk often – then when you finally do speak, the words come out but no one responds. When doesn’t everyone have a voice and deserve to be heard.

You don’t mean to dramatize the situation, You’re not being oppressed. You just know your words aren’t being heard. You’d think that would frustrate you to the point of talking louder, but it dointrovertesn’t. Instead you just stop talking. Why speak when no one will listen.

You can only last so long by not speaking, because the worst thing happens when you stop talking. You are stuck in your head.

Why doesn’t anyone listen to me? I guess I’m not important enough to them to hear me? You feel like you are banging your head against a hypothetical wall. What do I say that makes them not want to hear my thoughts?

After you question yourself, tear yourself and every scenario apart – you’re exhausted. You introvert further to the point that even saying “Hello” is just too much, so you say it quietly and move on. Worst case scenario I’ve been in, your job requires you to be friendly and it feels like you are tearing yourself apart yet again to talk to others. You curl yourself up in your introversion blanket so tight to protect yourself, because you hurt and want to keep others from hurting you more.

“Being heard and understood is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.” -Richard Carlson

Until you realize that you hear yourself – to you, your opinion matters. Then you realize the people who truly value you do actually listen. The ones who don’t – you remove or put distance between them and you. Are they really worth your effort in the end?


Goals, Where Do they Go?

Growing up I heard the following quote from my Mom many times:

“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

For every animal lover out there (I myself am one) I am speaking of a hypothetical elephant. This quote, as well as what most of what my Mom says, is very true. However, it had me thinking. If you follow the advice, you will eventually achieve your task or what you set out to do.

But whatever happens to the task and goals we never accomplish?

When I take on a task, it becomes a personal part of my life. How then can a task or goal just be dropped or forgotten? Classic example: New Year’s Resolution! We all have them or set them – do we really ever keep them all year long? Highly unlikely, if you do then you are lying or you have insane self-control. If the latter is the case, please teach me your ways!

Where do they all go? Do our brains just push them deep into our self-conscience to not be thought of again?

Of course, until that one night you can’t sleep and your brain decides that just in that moment you should remember all your uncompleted tasks and failures. When shouldn’t we be counting sheep?

Featured photo credit:


Path or Abyss


Your path in life, all you have to do is find it. Easy right?

Not hardly. We start as early as when we can comprehend the fact that we can become anything. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Then the abyss sucks you in.

It only gets worse as we grow older – in high school – “where will you go to college?” Then you study and struggle to make the highest grade on your ACT to get into the college that surely has to ensure your future.

Then you get to college, now what? Here it’s definitely all on you- “What’s our focus? What do you want to do with that degree?” Once again, the all to familiar pressure comes crashing in like a wave onto a uncertain shore.

Congratulations! You made it, you picked a major and got that degree. Everything should be set, you did it! Wrong again! Oh, the journey has only begun. Now you interview. “Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?”t?

My generation is all about more, yes we reach that 10 year “goal.” Fantastic! You know what is next? You guessed it! Right back into that abyss- vicious cycle?


Dreams to worry to choosing


Have you ever dreamed and wanted something so much that when you have it or find it, you realize that reaching the dream opens up a whole new set of dreams and worries.
Plus, how do you pick the right option when both seem to be the right one. Do you ever wonder: what if I took that job instead of this one? What if I went to this college and not that one?
So you logically pick one. Even so, do you ever wonder what your life would have been like picking the other. Not necessarily if life would have been better- not discontentment. More of wondering the possibilities that you will not know now because of your choice.

Henry: “Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?”
Leonardo da Vinci: “As a matter of fact, I do.”
Henry: “Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you’re supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you’re too distracted to notice?”
Leonardo da Vinci: “You learn to pay attention.”
Henry: “Then let’s say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you’re supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be? -EverAfter



Growing Up


Growing up is tough.. the decisions, the anxiety, the pull to be popular then realizing popularity means nothing. Trying to figure out who you are, where you are going, what your future will be. And that’s just high school. You know when people ask you — if you could go back to a time in your life, when would that be? That would definitely NOT be high school.

Looking back on my life now, I realize how much pressure is put on us. Deciding what college, picking a major, and then the killer… Finding a career. 


That is the stage that I am currently at. I remember through college I kept thinking, this will all be worth it when I graduate and have a job. Yes, silly me. Our Economy isn’t helping. Now that I have received job offers — the tough part is here.. Which one? 

Do I go with more money? Or a job that I may like better but pays less? Plus how do I know if I really truly like it and enjoy it till I’m in the job…

My conclusion is…. life is stressful. At all stages. I’m sure once I have my career I’ll be stressed or concerned about doing my absolute best. 

Oh, to be a kid again………