Don’t you just hate life every once in awhile?
There you are go plugging along in life, working hard and giving it your all. Trying to be the best person you can be, trying to do the right thing no matter what and then BAM! It happens! You get side swiped by a memory or a feeling you had, that you desperately want to forget or shove back down, wherever it was, that you didn’t think about it. Or really remember it exists…
That is what happened to me today..
For those who are reading my blog, I quit my full time, salary job at the beginning of this year. To pursue my life-time long goal and dream to have a career where I can help people, make a difference. I am going to school to be a nurse. Yes, this is will be my second degree and no, I am not crazy. Even though many people said I was when I quit my full time job.
My life went from the daily grind, 8 to 5, sitting in a cubicle, fighting traffic to and from work – to classes, tests, finals, GPA and most of all MUST MAKE A’s. Now, sometimes I do feel like I was crazy to leave my job and get back into this type of stress. But at the end of the day, my goal is the same and I sleep well knowing that my career will not only make me happy but help others.
Okay, so you are wondering why I hate life and the point of this post.. For the most part, my childhood was pretty happy. Great, loving Mom that raised me and even better sister. But a controlling, manipulative father that refuses to see any other way is correct or right, other than his own.
I can remember growing up and being scared when my parents would argue (now that I’m older I understand, that happens, its a part of being in a relationship with someone) – but I knew somehow, someway, that argument was about me. Or that argument would somehow reflect the ugly head of consequences on me. And it did, because I was the independent or the word I heard ALL the time “rebellious” child.
Now fast forward to modern day, there is me fully independent and rather stubborn adult. Wanting to have my family meet my boyfriends family, natural step right? We are talking about getting married so why not? Well, one snag. I live with my boyfriend. Absolutely hands down, the BEST decision we have ever made. I get it, its not for every couple but for us, it has only made us stronger and more dedicated to one another.
But you guessed it! My father, not accepting of this and therefore not accepting of meeting my boyfriend’s family. So why I hate life???
Immediately once I heard my father’s decision and opinion – I became that little girl, hiding in her room, listening to the arguments, knowing just knowing that I would pay for it. I felt claustrophobic in my own skin, like I was drowning with no way to swim to the top.
I guess the truly scary thing, is that I still felt that way. And in a way, there was still some kind of control over me and I hate that. Anyone else feel this way?